The Manbeast and I are heading away on a seven-week adventure across the USA at the end of the month, and given that basically #AllTheCelebrities live in America, the subject of the freebie has, of course, come up once or twice. Usually raised by me, when we’ve been sitting watching the latest rom-com or action flick on tele, and the male lead sweeps into the shot with his hair tousled and his pecks straining against his too-thin teeshirt…
What were we talking about? Oh, yes. The Freebie. Or The List, depending on how you and your significant other play the game. Popularized by that episode of Friends, The One with Frank Jr, when the gang all make lists of celebrities they’d bone, The Freebie is generally considered to be a list of celebrities or high-profile – and usually unattainable – people one can sleep with without it being considered infidelity.
The Ridiculousness of The Freebie
The whole concept of The Freebie is ridic, obviously. The chances of you bumping into one of, or the, person/s on your list are slim to none to start with, let alone the odds that person will actually reciprocate your desire to shag them. I’m not saying it won’t happen for some of you, but for the vast majority of us, we’ll have two shows (as my husband so eloquently likes to say): no show, and a shit show.
The other thing about The Freebie is that the whole concept actually dehumanizes celebrities, reducing them to objects of desire and possession. The only thing that makes banging someone on your List any different to cheating on your partner with some random on the street is their celebrity status. Which kind of indicates one of the key reasons for wanting to bang them in the first place is to get bragging rights and have a great story to tell the day after.
It’s weird, right? And kind of not very cool.
That Being Said…
For most people The Freebie is about fun and fantasy, rather than actual follow through. And while I’m sure the likes of Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum and Zac Efron get a lot of hits on Freebie/Lists across the globe, I think we should spare a thought for some of the other actors and artists and musicians who perhaps aren’t propositioned as frequently as their Alpha counterparts.
Perhaps Surprising Celebrities I’d Bone Given Half a Chance
1. Vincent D’Onofrio
Pull that judgey-face all you like, but VDO goes straight to the top of my list, no questions asked. During a time when I was particularly obsessed with Law & Order: Criminal Intent reruns, hubby actually started referring to him as my boyfriend. Vince may be getting a long in the tooth nowadays, but I’d still fangirl in the street if I saw him.
2. Seth Rogan
Yes, he may have one of the most grating laughs in cinematic history, and yes he may sometimes be a little round around the middle. But then, so I am. I’m not sure what it is about Seth Rogan I find sexy, but if you watch that scene in Take This Waltz where he’s standing in the kitchen cooking for Michelle Williams in his underwear, you might be able to figure it out and tell me.
3. David Bowie
Maybe not David Bowie 2013, but certainly David Bowie circa the time he was filming The Labyrinth and rocking those incredibly tight tights. When my BFF and I were living together, we’d come home from a night on the tiles and snuggle up on the beanbag with popcorn and watch this at 4am and giggle and make phwoar sounds. My love for him still lingers.
4/5. Nicholas Cage and Steve Buscemi
You’ve heard the saying ‘mama likes herself a little strange’? Well, I guess that’s kind of applicable here, and these guys come in equal for fourth and fifth place, offering just the right amount of odd, slightly-creepy-hot. I dig it.
Who’s on your list? Bonus points for those who think outside the square!
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