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when sex isn't rainbows and unicorns
Education, Relationships, Sex Ed

When Sex Isn’t Rainbows and Unicorns.

Most of us have been sold a lie. Movies, romantic books, and even the social expectations of love and relationships mislead us greatly.

Boy meets girl, girl and boy fall in love, lots of orgasms, happily ever after, right?!

Apart from being particularly hetero-normative (sorry) and simplistic, it’s a pretty common story for what a lot of us are told is the love, sex, relationship model.

A generation of slut shaming, kink shaming, and the repression of healthy sexual education has left us ashamed, afraid, and unable to accept the darker side of our sexual proclivities and desires. Much less realise that love and sex are two different concepts that don’t necessarily co-exist in the same bedroom.

It’s left us unable to communicate our needs, and accept that sex is a normal part of human behaviour and our desires and pleasures come in a mixed bag.

And that mixed bag can look like hookups, relationships, casual dating, poly-amorous adventures, and any number or variations of the above.

So why is this romantic view so bad?

The challenge with a repressed and idealistic  view of sex and love is that so many of our desires and fantasies extend far beyond procuring marriage and producing offspring. Thank you very much, Jane Austen.

We humans are pleasure seeking creatures, and the denial and repression of our basal instincts can lead to shame, pain, and fear.

So let’s take a look at some of those Cinderella stories we got told, bust them wide open, and move forward to accept, and celebrate sex for what it is. Perfectly normal, occasionally mundane, and hopefully lots and lots of fun.

Busting some good sex bad sex myths

Sex and Love Go Hand in Hand

When I first started dating as a teen, I “saved” myself for a boy I fell in love with.  I was pretty devastated when that six month relationship came to an ugly and nasty close.  I’d had so closely related sex with my feelings of love and companionship, and while I’m not suggesting for a second that teens can’t experience love – I was really naive and had no idea how to make a longer term relationship work.

If I’d had the perspective of experiencing sex and relationships in the moment, and let myself be completely in the present, I probably would have had healthier expectations about how my partners behaved, felt, and responded to me.

As an adult in a poly relationship now, love and sex can still be pretty tightly coupled, but I also recognise you can have fantastic, amazing, earth shattering sex without love being involved.

If you think of sex and love as a Venn Diagram, you can see how sex and love are pretty loosely coupled. You can have sex without love. You can have love without sex, you can have sex and love.

There is no hard and fast rule on how how sex and love are coupled, and how that forms a relationship. All are valid definitions.

You can have sex and love that last for the term of the sexual encounter – you can have loving sexual relationships that last a lifetime. You can have loveless sexual relationships that last a lifetime. And sexless loving relationships that endure as well.

In terms of HAVING great sex, choosing to respect yourself and making choices that fill your needs, and respect your partner’s needs seems to be a healthy reasonable approach.

You don’t have to love your partners, and sex isn’t a transaction for love.

You don’t have to love your partners, and sex isn’t a transaction for love.

Sex should be sensual, soft, and kind. Kinks are bad mmkay?

As a young adult, I discovered that the bedroom can be a really interesting place to work out “stuff” It started with experimentation with a particularly enthusiastic partner who loved rougher sex, and was very, very into when I struggled and pushed back.

As someone who’d been raped, and someone who’d had really negative experiences with sex up until that point, it was really bizarre realising that I LIKED being restrained. I ENJOYED the hurt so good, painful experiences that consenting non-consent brought for me, and I really got off with rough sex.

It messed with my head. But it turns out that it’s pretty normal, and there are LOADS of people who engage in kinky sex.

Do you get off by getting hurt? Love that hurts so bad it’s good feeling?

Desire the feeling of power and control as you inflict pain on your partner?

Leather rings your bell and floats your boat?

Something else? Don’t worry. Your desires are pretty normal. The great thing about the internet these days, compared to what our parents had available to them is that if there’s a kink, there’s a forum/ sub-reddit/or facebook support group for it.

You and your kinks probably aren’t alone in the big wide world, and there are probably others out there who get off on the same interesting stuff you do.

Spend the time educating yourself on safe ways to indulge your desires – and always practise safe, sane, consensual sex.

Sex is always pleasurable…

Ahhhhhh if only sex WAS always pleasurable. The thing about human relationships no matter how long or short, they’re often fraught with imperfection.

And there is such a thing as unpleasurable sex.

That doesn’t mean that the relationship is bad, or that either or the people within it have failed in any way – it just is what it is sometimes.

Unpleasurable sex becomes more of an issue when the partners involved don’t talk about it, for reasons of shame, fear, embarrassment, not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings or just not being aware of what they want or need.

Don’t fake orgasms. No-one benefits from that!

Don’t fake orgasms. No-one benefits from that!

I’m a huge advocate of knowing your own body, it’s turn ons, it’s turn offs and what gets you off REALLY well. And practising being able to communicate your desires, and show your partner how to get you off.

If you don’t communicate, nothing ever changes, and resentment, failed expectations, and anger can fester under the surface. Communicating your desires and feelings without your partner feeling inadequate can be a tricky territory – speak kindly, focus on the positives, and use “I” statements.  For example “I feel” “I love” etc.

Talk about it in the moment, address it as a debrief, and keep talking. You’ve got everything to gain here.

Good sex results in orgasm

Orgasms are amazing! I love orgasms, and I think we should all be having more orgasms! But sex doesn’t have to culminate in orgasm for it to be incredible.

Heck sex doesn’t even have to involved intercourse – but more on that in a second.

Great sex is about connection and pleasure with your partner (s) (or yourself) slow burning, sensual, loving touch, or rough, limit, pushing masochism don’t always peak with the big O.

That doesn’t mean it’s bad sex.
If you’re both fulfilled, feeling good, and happy with the outcome, that’s totally okay.

Communicate with your partner and find the things that are important to you.

A sexless relationship is a poor quality relationship

Relationships go in ebbs and flows. That early burning, euphoric, sex on tap part of any new relationship eventually runs it’s course, and it can be anything from 3 months to three years depending on you and your partner.

The trouble is that people expect that to be THE relationship.

Oh if only…

After the euphoria, there’s work. There are domestic duties, there are bills, there are illnesses, there are daggy underpants, and sweat pants that you would never parade around in a lover you’re trying to woo.

But there’s also intimacy, connection, friendship, and solidarity that builds as the bright flash subsides. Relationships take work, and sometimes sex is on the back burner.

As life happens, sex drives peak and flow. Children, stress, work, and medications can all impact on our sex drives-  and every individual is different.

Avoiding resentment with communication and really understanding what each other’s needs are is key to helping keep things moving on.

Of course there are other relationship models that you can consider like polyamory  and consensual non-monogamy

But intimacy is a myriad thing, and it doesn’t necessarily come from sex alone.

Cuddles, time spent together, touch, massage, and other acts of intimacy are valid and normal ways to keep connection with your partner.

Here’s to normal sex

Hopefully you’ll see what I did there, in that I think most sex is pretty normal. Obviously we want more of the good stuff and less of the bad.

By accepting reality and facing the fact that sex can be terribly mundane, delightfully pleasurable AND painful if we like it like that we can move past the myths and fables told to us in the movies.

Let’s talk about sex, let’s talk about the good and the bad, (I’m not singing I swear) and let’s talk about how we want it, how we don’t.

This is how we grow, this is how we feel better about our desires, and kinks, and the things that get us off.

Pregnancy Sex
Education, Fertility, Pregnancy & Birth, Sex Ed, Your Body

We Need To Talk About Sex During Pregnancy

Sex in the first trimester Is It Safe?

As a sexologist I’m very often asked about the safety of having sex during pregnancy – well here’s the good news – doing the nasty when you’ve got a bun in the oven is not only hot, it’s perfectly safe.  If you feel well and sexy – it’s a jolly good idea to have a roll in the hay.

Penetrative sex and orgasm during the first trimester are not linked to miscarriage or vaginal infections. Indeed, in a low risk, uncomplicated pregnancy getting juicy will actually reduce the risk of miscarriage and premature birth, by decreasing stress and enhancing emotional well being.

Often you and your partner(s) will worry that the baby will be harmed whilst you bump and grind – but don’t worry your unborn babe is well cushioned by the amniotic sac and the strong uterine muscles.  A penis (even one of porn star proportions – you lucky lady you!) or toy  will not penetrate deep enough to get past the muscles of the cervix, which is sealed up with a thick, mucous plug to keep out any nasties.

Changes to Your Mojo

However, it is important to be aware that during pregnancy there may be wide variations in you and your partner(s) sexual arousal, desire and response. For some pregnant women desire and intimacy may be affected in the first trimester by body image concerns, nausea, fatigue, urgency to urinate, anxiety and hormonal fluctuations.  For others these hormonal changes and lack of concerns about contraception can make them randier than a jack rabbit in a barrel full of jellied eels.

Follen Swanny and Tender Tits

There can be physiological changes that occur during pregnancy that may have you begging for more or closing the bedroom door. For instance, during pregnancy sex can cause genital engorgement (the classic Two Ronnies’ follen swanny), where you may experience heightened sensations that have you screaming YES!YES!YES! at the slightest touch of your sensitive clitoris or screaming NO!NO!NO! if anyone so much as breaths on it.  Not only can your clitoris become more sensitive, but so can your  breasts and nipples – and you partner(s) may tread a fine (and dangerous) line between  pleasure and pain.

Horny Hormones

Bonding, sexual pleasure and orgasm will also release hormones (prostaglandins and oxytocins) that can cause abdominal tightenings or hardenings of the uterus, which although perfectly normal can be a cause of concern for some. However, this is a perfectly normal response and these hormones can be both good for you and your baby – you’ll all be feeling the luuurvve.

Communicate, Communicate and Communicate

However, it’s very important  to listen to your body  – communicate and be open and honest with your partner(s) at this time. It may be that you control penetration and depth/vigour of thrusting or try new positions that are more comfortable, such as lying sideways, being positioned on the edge of the bed with your partner between your legs, spooning, sitting on their lap or being on top. Non-penetrative sex or ‘outercourse‘ may be more suitable or pleasurable at this time (foreplay, oral sex and masturbation). And don’t forget there are so many other ways to be intimate – ‘togetherness’ and mutual reassurance can be maintained through time spent together, cuddling, massage, a relaxing bath or shower, a shared walk, meal or movie night together.

You partner(s) va-va voom may also not be firing up for them during pregnancy if they are fearful of hurting you or the baby, worried about your health or that of the unborn’s, apprehensive about parenthood and its financial burdens or even self-conscious about getting down and dirty in the presence of the bump.  It’s just as important at this time for them to communicate their needs, desires and wants about intimacy.

Bans on Bonking

Obviously, there are times when doing the two-backed beast may not be recommended. Here are a few:

  • If your partner(s) has an active genital herpes lesion
  • If you have a low lying placenta or the placenta is partially/fully covering the cervix (placenta previa)
  • If you have a cervical dysfunction , weakness or it is opening prematurely
  • If you have a history of premature/pre-term labour
  • If you are experiencing unexplained vaginal bleeding
  • If you are experiencing moderate/ severe abdominal cramping
  • If you have a history of miscarriage and having sex would cause you distress or worry
  • If you are carrying multiple babies and have been advised against sex by your caregiver
  • If your waters (amniotic fluid) are leaking or have broken

 

Safer Sex – And Some Thoughts on Anal and Oral

Even when pregnant there are times when condoms/dental dams should still be used:

  • If your partner(s) have an STI (especially herpes)
  • If you are not in a mutually monogamous relationship
  • If you have a new partner and do not know their STI status
  • If you have a vaginal infection (e.g. thrush)Care should also be taken when engaging in oral sex in that there should be no blowing in the vagina during pregnancy (but seriously who does that?! – no judgement, but you may want to perfect your techniques).

There should also be an awareness of the attending risks that come with anal sex – just like at any other time a penis/toy/fingers should not be placed into the anus and then into the vagina as this may cause a vaginal infection. Also during pregnancy some women are prone to developing haemorrhoids, which can be painful, bleed or rupture during anal penetration- so you may want to abstain from engaging in ‘up the bum’ fun during this time.

 

 

Image credit: Mitrofan

Sex Ed

Sex Outdoors: How To (Without Getting Caught)

Loads of people get a real rush from getting freaky in the great outdoors. The threat of being caught heightens the thrill for some, while others simply like the freedom of a quickie under the stars.

The Beach

It’s a huge cliché, but for some reason many of us have this enduring fantasy about sex on the beach. There’s sun or moonlight and the crashing of waves – but there are also other beachgoers and sand in rather unwelcome places. If you’re intent on ticking this one off your list, find a secluded spot – preferably outside of holiday peak season – and take a large blanket with you. Staying partially clothed, or keeping your swimmers on, can be a saving grace if anyone happens to stroll down the sand towards you. Nothing to see here! Just two lovebirds enjoying the ambience.

The Park

Taking in a neighborhood stroll and suddenly have the urge to ravage your lover? A quick nip into a public park or playground is a popular option for many, and can provide some fun opportunities for play. Sit on a swing so your lover can use the motion for added thrust, or hang on to those monkey bars as you wrap your legs around his waist. Take turns keeping lookout, and choose small parks in safe, quiet streets to evade prying eyes.

Da Club

Okay, not technically outdoors, but still very public. If the thumping bass of the music and dancefloor grinding is too enticing for you to ignore, it is possible to get it on in a crowded club without getting caught. Hundreds of thousands of lovers can probably testify to that. But it’s not quite as simple as adjusting your twerk. Disabled bathrooms are a popular option due to the privacy they can provide, although occupying a dedicated stall for seven minutes in heaven is probably not going to go unnoticed – or win you any favors if you emerge to find someone waiting to use it. If the club has booths, these are probably your best bet. Oral sex can sometimes be discreetly achieved using the cover of a table, or position yourself so you’re sitting in your lover’s lap and keep your movements subtle. You could just be cuddling.

Three Golden Rules, Wherever You Do It

Stay classy. This might seem impossible if you plan on having your butt hanging out in public, but retaining some decorum – and respect for others – is important. Don’t set out to have sex in front of unsuspecting passersby.

Don’t get so caught up in the moment you prompt anyone to come check out the action, or worse, call the police. Even if you are able to achieve an earth-shattering orgasm in an outdoor space, be a good, non-scary human and do your best to keep the vocals to a minimum.

High-fives on using condoms but be sure to take your evidence with you, or throw it in the trash. No one wants to stumble across the proof of your erotic encounter the following day.

What’s the craziest place you’ve had sex outdoors or in public?

Sex Ed

Masturbation Technique: Vibrating Fingers

If you’re new to vibrators finger vibrators are cute, non-threatening, and oh-so-easy-to-use. They’re also inexpensive compared to their bigger, penetrative, counterparts!

Finger vibes are designed to be used on your clit and labia. They’re a really fun way to explore what feels good on the outside.

Don’t get caught up with only your clit. Be sure to tease, tickle and explore your labia. The sensations are far more subtle, but very pleasurable. Experiment and discover what feels great for you!

Here are a few options to consider, from the hi-tech to the cute and buzzy!

Jimmy Jane Hello Touch

Say Hello to your partner in a whole new sexy way. Touch and sizzle with the Hello Touch by Jimmyjane, a brand spanking new wearable couples vibrator.

Simply pop the Hello Touch onto your fingertips and then engage in foreplay such as clitoral stimulation, G-Spot stimulation, prostate stimulation – or just explore your partners body and see where you get a reaction!

jimmy_jane_hellotouch

Tenga Vi Bo Ring Orb

VI-BO Ring Orb has a small vibrating ball with a silicone covering. It has a generous loop of silicone that can be placed around the shaft of a penis or finger without pinching.

The ball is removable and exchangeable with other VI-BO products.

tenga picobong

Key by Jopen Pyxis Finger Massager

With its clever shape and ambidextrous design, the Pyxis finger massager is ideal for both solo and partner play.

Great for warming up pre-sex, but even better to continue during intercourse and you are nearly guaranteed to make the most difficult woman climax!

Use Pyxis for solo masturbation, or in the shower with its waterproof body.

key

We’ve featured the range at MiMi Deluxe.com  – chosen for their visual appeal, functionality, and tried and tested quality.

Polkadotsi hasn’t been paid to publish this post! We just love the gorgeousness.

 

Photo credit:  piotr_marcinski

 

Body Positive Activism, Education, Orgasms, Sex Ed

Sex For One With Satin

How do you masturbate? Is it quick, silent, and over as fast as possible? I’m going to encourage you to try something new.. something a little different, perhaps something indulgent.

Masturbation is all about discovering your body, finding what turns you on, what feels deliciously good, and being present to the delightful sensations.

For this little exercise in sex for one, you’ll need some satiny, silky fabric. Think slinky stockings, a silky nighty, boxer shorts, or even a satin pillow case. I have been told that satin fabrics are slinkier and softer than real silk, and they’re easier to wash..!

Set the mood, and set aside time just for yourself when you’re not going to be interrupted. I deeply encourage you to use a hand mirror to watch yourself, and watch your beautiful pussy as it gets more aroused… watch as it changes, becomes engorged, slippery, sexy….

Or if you’re feeling really daring, film yourself as you discover and explore the folds of your vulva. (Word to the wise, most smart phones have an auto upload feature. Be sure to turn that off if you’re not comfortable with the potential of your video making it to the net!) (I like to use an old school digital camera with no wifi!)

Dim the lights, get comfortable, and explore your gorgeous, sexy pussy using the piece of silky, satiny fabric as a delightful, teasing, pleasure -tool just for you.

Be present to the sensations, breathe, feel your sexual energy pulse through your body. Experiment with touch – firm, feathery light, fast, slow,  lightly drag the satin across your vulva, slide it over your vulva, pull it taught and tease your clit through the fabric… play and discover what feels good.

We would absolutely LOVE if you would like to share your satiny adventures. Feel free to comment below!

Enjoy!

 

Photo Credit: andresr

Education, Featured, Sex Ed, Your Body

Masturbation May is Here!

May is Masturbation and Self Discovery Month! None of us should need any convincing that masturbation is amazing – because orgasms! – but did you know flicking the bean can also be great for your overall wellbeing and your sex life?

Orgasms offer wide range of benefits, including stress busting, so getting yourself to the Big O should really be part of your mental health self-care. Masturbating also helps us understand our bodies and get a good feel for what we like and what gets us off, which then translates to all-round mind-blowing sex with a partner. Need I say more? Check out 4 Reasons to Let Your Guy Watch You Masturbate.

If you haven’t quite gotten the hang of self-discovery, or you’ve been experiencing a little bit of a self-love dry-spell as of late, now’s the time to assign yourself some homework, Mrs!

Masturbation is a very personal, intimate experience, and everyone is different in terms of what works for them. Below are some great tips to help you on your way…

Know Thyself

This Hands-On Guide to Masturbation from Refinery29 offers some great pointers, including:

  • Get to know your body. Understand your anatomy, and touch yourself any place that feels good
  • Discover what turns you on. Read erotica and indulge in fantasy to help get yourself in the mood.
  • Experiment with touch. Stoke, rub, circle, tap and squeeze to see what feels best.
  • Set the mood. Create an environment where you can feel relaxed, and let yourself be turned on without distraction.
  • Find a favorite toy. Try clitoral and internal stimulation, and see what feels best.
  • Choose a favorite position. Changing positions can change sensations; so don’t be afraid to mix it up.
  • Invite your partner to join in or watch. Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo venture, and masturbating together can be great for your relationship.

Enjoy the Journey

Similarly, Cosmo’s Hands-On Guide to Solo Sex offers this pearl of wisdom:

Try not to be super goal-oriented, like, ‘I have to have an orgasm in less than 15 minutes’… Just ride the wave of pleasure as your nether regions become more sensitive, your heart rate zooms, your breathing intensifies, and the walls of your vagina begin to contract — all telltale signs you’re bound for bliss.

Mix It Up

And Women’s Health Magazine’s Best Masturbation Tips Ever assets:

Variety is key to your sex life, so why shouldn’t that extend to your self-love life? If you need more convincing, know this: By masturbating the same way every time, you might have more difficulty getting off when you’re with a partner. So stay flexible.

Happy Masturbation Month, ladies! If you have a top tip of your own to share, spill it in the comments below.

A couple using the mad lib dirty talk cheat sheet
Education, Featured, Sex Ed

Your Mad Lib Dirty Talk Cheat Sheet

 

Curious about dirty talk, but can’t bring yourself to spill while in the throes of passion? If you want to heat things up with a little naughty dialogue, or your lover is begging you to tell them what you really like in bed, it may be time to throw you inhibitions to the wind and release the nasty-talkin’ strumpet locked inside of you – check out our mad lib dirty talk cheat sheet.

Talking dirty can be embarrassing for beginners – but it can be a great way to turn you and your partner on, and express what you like and how you like it in a fun, non-serious and low-pressure way.

If you’re used to being the sultry silent type, be aware that you may feel a little silly at first. Work your way into it. Start by complimenting your lover. You might tell them how much you love a particularly sexy body part of theirs, or give them a verbal high-five on something they do that drives you wild.

Let go of your inhibitions, try not to feel self-conscious and go with the flow. Obviously, like anything, if talking dirty just isn’t your thing you should never feel pressured to do it because someone else wants you to. But if you are intrigued, and just not quite sure where to start, why not try some of the below five suggestions to get the ball rolling? They’re written Mad Libs-style, so all you have to do is fill in the blanks with some of the suggested saucy verbs, adjectives and nouns… or use your own.

Once you get started you may find it hard to stop!

Dirty Talk Mad Lib Cheats

  • I love it when you (  v  ) my (  n  )…
  • It feels so good when you (  v  ) your (  n  ) on/in/across my (  a  )(  n  )…
  • Do you like it when I (  v  ) your (  n  ) with my (  n  )?
  • What do you want me to do? Shall I (  v  ) your (  a  ) (  n  )?
  • You know what I’d really like? I’d love it if you’d (  v  ) my (  n  )…

Fill them in with:

Frisky Verbs

…kiss, bite, lick, tease, stroke, tweak, pinch, rub, caress, tickle, massage, fuck, finger, tongue, suck…

Dirty Nouns

…neck, lips, earlobe, breasts, nipples, belly, pussy, clit, cock, balls, shaft, head, ass, ass-cheeks, asshole, legs, shoulders, tongue, feet, mouth…

Filthy Adjectives

…hot, dirty, wet, hard, swollen, throbbing, thick, arching, slick, tight…

Remember that talking dirty is about fun, so don’t take yourself too seriously. Laughter is sexy too, after all.

 

 

Sex Ed

Role-Play Cheat Sheet

Curious about introducing a little role-play to spice up your sex life? No, I’m not talking the kind of online role-play that involves wizards and dragons and dungeons and warcraft… unless that’s your thing #NotJudging. What I’m talking about is playing out a little fantasy with your lover. Doing something out of the ordinary to get out of that sexual rut. Taking on a whole other identity to break free of the shackles of the self and commit unspeakably saucy acts…

Why Role Play Can Rock

It certainly isn’t for everyone, but many people find role-play to be an exciting and enjoyable part of their sexual experiences. A recent online survey found that role-play can:

  • Help lovers shed their inhibitions
  • Help individuals uncover undiscovered desires and fantasies
  • Relieve sexual boredom and reinvigorate sexual encounters for long-term partners
  • Increase intimacy, trust and communication, as lovers share their fantasies

Who Do You Want To Be Tonight?

Sure, you can be the naughty nurse and the patient or doctor, the cop and the criminal, the teacher and the student or the French maid and the butler… but do those roles really speak to you?

The key to good role-play is to choose something that really spins your wheels. Something you’ve found yourself fantasizing about when you’ve let your mind wander. Or something your partner has suggested that intrigues you, and that you’d feel comfortable exploring.

While one of the common role-play scenarios might appeal to you, particularly for a first adventure, don’t be afraid to think outside of the box.

Saucy and Subversive Role-Play Ideas

Many role-play scenarios about are power and control, but if that’s not your thing you can play by your own rules. You can be the one in control, or you can choose to submit. Or you can choose a scenario where both players are on an even footing. The key is to be comfortable enough to discuss your idea with your lover, and to respect their ideas and boundaries, and choose a play theme you’re both excited about.

You could be Giggles the Clown and The Circus Master. Possibly not one for those of you with a fear of clowns, but if that big red nose and oversized shoes do it for you, why not?

You could be Dr Frankenstein and The Monster. Like the freakishly-strong silent type? Take playing Doctor to a new level of kink with a white coat and some face paint.

You could be The Artist and The Muse. Grab a canvas and some paints, or use your naked bodies as your canvas. Maybe invest in a drop sheet – things will get messy.

You could be The Witch and The Wizard. If a certain magical-themed book series captivated your imagination, why not cast a spell on your lover?

You’re limited only by your imagination. Have a scintillating role-play scenario idea? Share it with us via the comments!

Sex Ed

Stop Having Bad Sex

The sure-fire road to great sex is self-acceptance and an unwavering determination to be who you are, completely and unapologetically. If you want to feel like a sexual dynamo, do what you love, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Be who you are and give yourself over to the pure pleasure that comes from indulging in what turns you on. And avoid these three good-sex-killers like the plague.

Don’t Censor Yourself

Unless you live in a vacuum, there are going to be countless times you’ll find someone trying to censor you, simply because your thoughts and feelings are different to theirs. Your parents, your friends, the media, your boss, society – they’re all going to, at some time or another, offer unsolicited advice and opinions, and even try and tell you you’re wrong because you don’t fit their ideal of normal or right. There are times you may have to have to like it or lump it – particularly at work – but this definitely should not apply to your sex life.

If you have a particular sexual yearning or desire, but your partner shuts you down – or worse, shames you – for it, it may be time to get a new partner. Sometimes our fantasies don’t align with those of our lovers, and that’s okay. But you should feel free to discuss your desires without fear of being judged.

Don’t Settle for the Status Quo

If you’re feeling ho-hum about your sex life, it could be because you’re bored. Sexual boredom can have a hugely negative impact on our happiness, and our relationships, but just because you’re bored now doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.

If you’re in a relationship, open up the lines of communication with your partner, and look to discuss new sexual adventures and options that you might both enjoy. If you’re single, mix things up for yourself with a new toy or two, or keep your mind open to new possibilities if you’re engaging in casual encounters (just keep it safe).

Say No

While some self-professed experts have emerged from the woodwork of late, claiming that women in particular should be looking to say “yes” to sex more often, (even when they don’t feel like it – the theory being that once they get into the swing of things they’ll soon enjoy it #WTF) I’m a firm believer in only having sex when you want to, and not being afraid to turn your lover down if you’re really just not that into it.

Think about it. Is the sex really going to be spectacular if your foreplay is tinged with feelings of guilt or resentment? Ick. Saying no isn’t going to kill anyone, and you can experience real intimacy with a partner through forms of non-sexual touch. Who knows – that no-pressure, no-expectation intimacy may even end up resulting in sex, so communicate your needs with your partner and be sure to respect theirs in return.

What’s your key to great sex?

Education, Featured, Relationships, Safer Sex, Sex Ed

The Forbidden Fruit: The Allure Of Unhealthy Sex

Why is the potent mix of pleasure and pain that can be found in illicit sex so hot? The break up sex. Sex with the train wreck, brilliant, broody, artist types. The addictive sex with the person you are in love with but who won’t commit to you. Or the full-blown affair with the married man.

Mother Nature is a bit of a trickster when it comes to sexual desire, love and relationships. She uses desire to drive us to make babies, preferably with a diversity of partners for maximum genetic diversity, but at the same time wants strongly bonded couples to both contribute to the task of raising a child. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Desire is rooted in novelty, mystery, danger and spontaneity. While love needs dependability, openness, and responsibility to grow and build a strong relationship.

That your nurturing and sex appeal will banish his demons and turn him into the kind of man you would want to introduce to your parents. Because you were there during the hard times your bond will be unbreakable, forged in the fires of adversity.

Perhaps you’re not looking for a relationship, why not go ahead and enjoy the illicit sex? Well here’s the bit where Mother Nature has the last laugh; sharing orgasms with someone gives our brain a strong oxytocin rush. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, leading to icky lovey dovey feelings for our sex partners, even for those completely unsuited to a loving stable relationship.

Maybe you know the warning signs and you can fish your heart out of a situation and put your panties back on before you’re in too deep. But many of us fall into the, ‘Rescuer Fantasy’. We have been sold the idea by society that women need to ‘tame’ a man. It’s almost a point of pride, who hasn’t heard the clichéd line of; ‘Oh he used to party and date half the town, but when he met me that all turned around’. It is far too easy to succumb to the seductive idea that you may be the most amazing women he has ever met.

That your nurturing and sex appeal will banish his demons and turn him into the kind of man you would want to introduce to your parents. Because you were there during the hard times your bond will be unbreakable, forged in the fires of adversity. Of course the reality is you are probably only bonding yourself and that any changes in him are superficial because they have not come from within him.

So sooner or later you will get hurt, but by now your ‘rescuee’ is on to a good thing and you are likely to receive the, ‘I will never agains’. These big declarations are far too easy to believe because of your oxytocin addiction. A wave of forgiveness, hope and love may come over you with the last of the anger dissipating with the hot make-up-sex orgasms. But since the impulse for change is external not internal the cycle is likely to start all over again.

Its time women saved our nurturing, forgiveness and heartache for our babies (metaphorical or actual). And stop wasting it on full grown adults who should be responsible for themselves. By understanding how desire works we can have hot sex using the desire drivers of novelty, surprise, distance and manageable risk (think rollercoaster rides rather than unprotected sex) with people that respect our boundaries and emotional needs.

I am breaking up with the hurts-so-good sex and saying hello to clear boundaries, hello honesty, and hello oh-so-good sex. Imagine a world full of women who were doing the same, think of all the things we would be achieving with that extra energy, happiness and pleasure.

 

Photo credit: © mallivan – Fotolia.com