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Sex Toys 101

Education, Featured, Sex Toys 101

9 Reasons You Should Totally Embrace Using Sex Toys

Shhhh, don’t tell anyone… I love my vibrators!

Oh, who am I kidding, I just posted this on Polkadotsi – everyone knows that I have a love affair with all that buzzes! But it would seem that there is still a lot of stigma and shame associated with getting your wank on.

So in the interests of enabling all of you to go and flick the bean, here are 9 reasons that you should totally embrace using sex toys!

1 – They help you discover your body

Getting to know what you like and don’t like empowers you to have better sex. Have you found your g-spot? Discovered how to squirt? Discovered your U spot? No? have a little play!

2 – They can reach places that your wee fingers just can’t

Let’s be honest, unless you have super long arms, or incredibly long fingers, there are hard to reach places that your vibe can hit. Mmmmmmm

3 – They can help you relax

Orgasms = endorphins = Ommmmmm

Maybe not the same as mediation… but orgasmic meditation? Now you’re talking!

4  – They can improve your mood

If you’re in a bit of a slump, a big O can release endorphins that pick you right up!

5  – They can help you improve your orgasm!

Learning to isolate those muscles that help you cum can train you into stronger, better orgasms! Yes please!

6 – They can provide mild pain relief

Period pain? A bit of an headache? Buzzing your way to bliss town can relieve your pain.

7  – You don’t need a partner

Take control of your sexual pleasure with your battery operated pleasure friend! Vibrators are brilliant in that you don’t need anyone else to indulge in sex for one!

8  – You can totally do it with a partner!

You can totally take that party in your pants to the next level with your partner by introducing toys to your boudoir repertoire.

9  – They feel freaking amazing!

I don’t have to expand on this one do I?

What are you waiting for! Go get your buzz on!

 

Photo credit: buecax

Sex Toys 101, Your Body

Sex Toy Smarts: Water-Based Versus Silicone Lube

Think anything slippery will do the trick when it comes to your sex toys? Whatever you have on hand might be good enough in the short term, but you can actually shorten the life of your favorite pleasure piece if you fail to use the right lubricant with it. Not only that, but using the wrong lube can actually cause the wrong kind of friction, which can lead to soreness. Boo! Prolong the life of your toys and make using them a whole lot more enjoyable. Here’s how to choose the right lube for your bedtime buddy.

Water

Water-based lubricants are generally the safest to use with the majority of sex toys, so if you’re not sure what exactly your toy is made of, stick with water-based in the meantime. If you’re not sure what your toys are made of, be sure to check out our post What Are Your Sex Toys Really Made Of? Some cheaper materials can actually contain toxins you’ll want to keep well away from your cooch, so do your research now. If you can’t figure out what your current toys are made of, it might be a good excuse time to invest in some quality replacements. 

But back to water-based lube. While this type of lubricant glides well and is usually easy to clean up, it does have a tendency to dry out, or be absorbed into the skin, more quickly than other varieties, meaning you may have to reapply it.

Silicone

Silicone lubricants are popular because they offer advantages above water-based lubes. First, they tend to be thicker and longer lasting, so you usually only need to apply them once per sexy session. Second, they’re not soluble in water, so if you like to take your toys with you into the shower or bath, you’ll need a lubricant that isn’t going to be washed away.

On the downside, the fact that silicon lubricants are thicker and longer-lasting means you’ll need to be far more careful about cleaning your toys after use to ensure every last bit of used lube is washed off.

Though inexperienced sex toy shoppers may be forgiven for assuming silicone lube is the best option for silicone toys, the opposite is actually true. Silicone lubricants should never be used with silicone or cyberskin toys, since they can actually break down the surface of your toy – making it a breeding ground for bacteria.

Remember; only ever use a dedicated sexual lubricant with your sex toys, or with your partner. Using anything else you might find in your kitchen or bathroom cabinets can damage your toy – and worse – prove harmful to you.

 

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Featured, Sex Toys 101

Lelo Lux: Spendy Sex Toys for $800+

Lelo is one of the world’s leading designers and manufacturers of sophisticated and stylish pleasure pieces – but did you know they carry a lux line of sex toys for ladies and gents who dream of desire in silver and gold?

Inez: Smooth and Seamless

Inez is one of the most exclusive and elegant vibrators ever created, and is available from Lelo in stainless steel or 24 carat gold-plate. Featuring a virtually-silent engine and a smooth, seamless design, it’s the ultimate vibe for pleasure seekers for whom price is no object. It will set you back around $15000 in gold or $10000 in stainless steel… but can you really put a price on indulgence?

Yva: Petite Power

Crafted in stainless steel or 24 carat gold-plate, Yva is an enticing and evocative object of pleasure, beautifully engineered to provide deep and resonant vibrations. Small and quiet but exceedingly powerful, this tantalizing tool is great for temperature play, and will feel divine – warm or cool – against naked skin. Available from Lelo for around $4000 in gold or $3000 in stainless steel.

Earl: Gentle Elegance

Here’s one for the man in your life. Heralded as the most distinguished luxury pleasure piece for men, Earl is available in 24 carat gold-plat and stainless steel, and is sculpted to provide profound pleasure and deep internal stimulation. Designed for male G-spot massage, this elegant gentleman’s plug is engineered to offer a new level of release. Available from Lelo for around $3000 in gold, or around $1700 in stainless steel, Earl comes accessorized with matching cufflinks.

Olga: Dual Design

Crafted for dual pleasure purposes, Olga is designed for G-spot stimulation and conventional play to allow a varied experience and the fullest exploration of your desires. Available in 24 carat gold-plat for around $3500 and stainless steel for just under $800, Olga is destined to delight discerning shoppers.

Orgasms, Sex Toys 101

Spice it Up: Toys for Couples

While the sex toy industry has traditionally been focused on solo play and pleasure, a more recent move towards shared stimulation has prompted the release of a wide range of toys, vibes and other pleasure pieces for couples – designed to provide mutual satisfaction before or during lovemaking.

Celebrated manufacturer Lelo has been instrumental in this shift, leading the way with their revolutionary and very seductive line of toys developed especially for couples.

Here are five of the most popular couples toys, brought to you buy the brand associated with popularizing techno-play in the bedroom.

Lelo IDA

Designed by Lelo especially for couples and offering 8 stimulation modes and innovation SenseMotion technology, IDA is a premium couple’s massager – and the first to offer vibration and rotation in one amazing toy. Worn by women when making love and offering thrilling rotations and sensations for both partners, IDA comes with its own remote control and is available in deep rose, cerise and black.

Passionate Jade: $249

Lelo Lyla 2

Lyla 2 is a premium remote control massager – designed to be adored by couples and worn internally, or enjoyed externally. Offering eight different vibration patterns, innovative waterproof design and hours of intense fun for couples who like to tease; Lyla 2 is available in cerise, black and deep rose.

Be Spunky: $154.95

Lelo Tiani 2

Featuring SenseMotion technology, interchangeable attachments for varied stimulation and wireless remote control with 8 vibration modes, Tiani 2 is available in deep rose, cerise and black. Worn by women when making love, the smooth silicon design provides powerful vibrations for the clitoris while allowing ample room for partner penetration.

Passionate Jade: $199.95

Lelo Tara

Lelo’s Tara couple’s massager is a variation on the popular IDA, featuring incredible vibrating and rotating stimulation for both partners during lovemaking. Offering six modes and a completely waterproof design, Tara is available in midnight blue, deep rose and black.

Be Spunky: $189.00

Lelo Oden 2

Dubbed the world’s most advanced couple’s ring, Lelo’s Oden 2 is designed to be worn by men when making love to provide shared pleasure for both partners. Offering SenseMotion technology, interchangeable closed and open-ring attachments and a convenient remote control, Oden 2 is available in sleek black and is a wonderful toy for men looking to increase their stamina, and women seeking intense clitoral stimulation.

Passionate Jade: $209.95

Do you have a favorite toy designed specifically for couple play? Share your shout outs in the comments below!

 

Bright Desires

Orgasms, Sex Toys 101

Naughty and Nice Gifts for Your Valentine

Forget chocolates or roses or hand-written sonnets this Valentine’s Day. What your lover really wants is you. Preferably naked, in all likelihood.

You don’t have to spend a bunch to spoil and seduce your Valentine. In fact, a little browsing on Lovehoney, The Dirty Weekend Shop and Passionate Jade – three of our favorite Women-Friendly Australian Sex Stores – revealed 10 great gifts for under $50.

Under $10

Plan on spoiling your lover with a striptease this V-Day? Sparkle while you shimmy with these Naughty Love Heart Nipple Tassels. Bonus points if you can master the art of the tassel twirl like a bona fide burlesque babe.

This one is for the boys, and makes a fun gift to send a long distance Valentine. The TENGA Egg Lovers Heart is an ingeniously designed masturbatory sleeve, and features an internal formation of soft hearts designed to deliver intense and orgasmic stimulation.

$11 – $20

Want to treat your Valentine to a steamy sensual massage? This set of sooth Lovehoney Hot Massage Rocks is great for temperature play, and comes complete with carry pouch and guide booklet. Designed to be used with massage oil or lubricant against your lover’s naked skin, they can be washed and used time and time again.

$21 – $30

Fun and functional, this DOMINIX Deluxe Leather Heart Spanking Paddle is expertly designed to enhance S&M play, and is a fun gift for both spanking novices and experts. Triple layered for durability and featuring a red heart insert detail, you and your lover can take turns delivering spine tingling satisfaction.

Valentine's Toys

$31 – $40

I Rub My Duckie is now an iconic brand of sweet, discreet and playful sex toy, and this travel-sized sweetheart-themed I Rub My Duckie is perfect for Valentine’s Day. Featuring a removable feather boa and boasting powerful but quiet vibrations, this waterproof toy can be used in the bath or in bed.

Captivate your lover’s senses with the hypnotic and erotic fragrance of this Aphrodesia Body Mist, featuring rose, ylang ylang and jasmine. Beautifully packaged in a black and gold puff-bottle, this darkly divine gift oozes elegance.

Know a Queen of Hearts who loves taking a tumble into Wonderland? This Heavenly Heart vibrator in red is waterproof and offers ten erotic settings, designed for sexual adventure and satisfaction.

If you and your lover enjoy the finer things in life, what could be more indulgent that a sensual massage featuring luminous 24K gold? LELO Flickering Touch Massage Oil really does contain flakes of radiant 24K gold in its nourishing, vitamin E-enriched oil. Available in Spicy Clove and Amber, Fresh Lily and Musk, and Balsam Fir and Bergamot.

$41 – $50

Crafted from reinforced glass and offering three shapely curves designed to massage your pleasure zones, this Crystal Heart Wavy Glass Dildo makes a fun erotic gift for couples. Smooth and friction-free, this glass toy can be warmed or cooled before use to enhance sensations.

Does your sweetheart have a sweet tooth? This super-cute, soft silicone Cupcakes by Shiri Zinn novelty vibe makes a fun addition to any erotic toy collection, and is beautifully packaged in a red polkadot display tin.

 

*Prices correct as of the time of posting.

Photo credit: © kiuikson – Fotolia.com

Orgasms, Sex Toys 101

Love Yourself this Valentine’s Day

If you’re flying solo this Valentine’s Day there’s one person you really should go ahead and spoil with one or two (or a few) sensual and erotic gifts. This V-Day, shower your fine self in an abundance of self love, treat yourself to something seductively scintillating, and add some elegant essentials to your bottom bedside drawer.

We’ve got 10 essentials – sourced from some of the Women-Friendly Australian Sex Stores we adore – to spice up your holiday of hedonistic delights.

Pink Sparkle Foaming Toy Cleaner

Keep your favorite treasures clean and in top condition with Pink Sparkle Foaming Toy Cleaner, which is alcohol-free and designed to disinfect and sanitize. The unique foaming formula minimizes product waste, and makes your cleaner last longer.

Pink Sparkle Foaming Toy Cleaner is $18.95 via The Sweet Spot.

Vibrating Orgasm Balls

Who says kegels can’t be fun? Tone and tighten your way to more powerful pleasure as you enjoy the sensation of these gold Vibrating Orgasm Balls.

Vibrating Orgasm Balls are $19.95 via Femplay

BSM Lockable Vibrator Brief Case

Secure your treasure trove of erotic delights with this discreet and durable BSM Lockable Vibrator Brief Case in sleek and elegant black and silver finish. Featuring a keyless, combination locking system, this stylish case is large enough to fit a range of toys, but small enough to slip into a drawer.

BSM Lockable Vibrator Brief Case is $29.95 via Wild Secrets.

Best Erotic Romance

Could you spend hours stretched out in bed with a good book? Then this Valentine’s Day, seduce yourself with an erotic novel, and give into the pleasure of your imagination.

Best Erotic Romance is $30.00 via Love Rouge.

The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women

Invest in your own pleasure this Valentine’s Day with a little adult education. The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women is an essential guide to pleasure, and includes information and advice on orgasms, masturbation, female ejaculation and ore, with the aim of helping readers become orgasmic for a lifetime.

The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women is $39.95 via d.vice.

The Pleasurepillar

If G-spot stimulation is your indulgence of choice, the Pleasurepillar will make you squirm with delight. This fun addition to the award-winning Wonderland range features a g-spot curve and 10 powerful functions in its clever waterproof design.

The Pleasurepillar is $39.00 via Passionate Jade.

Stainless Steel Curve Dildo

Cast in high quality steel and hand-polished to perfection, this Metal Worx Stainless Steel Curve Dildo gives new meaning to the idea of precious metal, and is cleverly curved for sensual satisfaction. Phthalate-free and easy to clean, you can warm or cool it to match your mood.

Stainless Steel Curve Dildo is $78.96 via Femplay

JimmyJane Form 3 Vibrator

Ergonomically designed to direct vibration anywhere you want, JimmyJane Form 3 Vibrator is soft and flexible, offering intense sensation at your fingertips. Discreet, rechargeable and waterproof, this vibe is made from high-grade silicone, and in hot pink, will delight your inner girly-girl.

JimmyJane Form 3 Vibrator is $130.00 via Black Label.

Siri by LELO

LELO’s Siri has been crowned by the pleasure toy brand to be their most powerful sensual massager to date, and is perfectly designed for all-over body stimulation and external intimate massage. Designed and contoured to cup a woman’s natural curves, Siri offers a range of powerful but near-silent vibrations, and incredible erotic technology.

Siri by LELO is $149.00 via Love Rouge.

Fifi by Je Joue

The world’s first three-motor rabbit, Fifi by Je Joue is contoured to provide simultaneous G-spot and clitoral stimulation. Waterproof and available in pink, purple or black body-safe silicone, this powerful rechargeable vibrator makes an excellent addition to any erotic toy chest.

Fifi by Je Joue is $179.00 via The Sweet Spot.

 

Photo Credit © bevangoldswain – Fotolia.com

 

*All prices correct at time of posting. None of these links are affiliate links.

Featured, Sex Toys 101

DIY Sex Toys That Made Me LOL

Wondering how people got themselves off in the days of yore? Ladies and gents were DIYing sex toys waaay before the invention of the world’s first steam-powered vibrator. How do you think they passed the time before television and the interweb?

Making your own sex toys is fun and easy, and might be a great creative outlet for dirty-minded DIY masters. Sure you could carve a head into a carrot or cucumber, but if you want to really push your ingenuity to the limits, do some online research or grab the handy book Make Your Own Sex Toys.

I fell into the DIY sex toy internet rabbit hole researching this post, and decided to share the best and the worst of the web. You’re welcome/ sorry.

DIY Fleshlight

Well ladies, here’s a homemade gift for Valentine’s Day! Spoil your man with his very own, made-with-love vagina-in-a-Pringles-can. Or, if you’re not handy, just get your hands on the required materials, print out the instructions, and package them in a gift basket.

Look for LOLs: Make your own fleshlight

Sex Dolls, You’re the Scariest

Sabotage Times begins their piece on these homemade sex dolls found on Reddit:

Never underestimate the ingenuity of perverts…

And that pretty much sums these what-was-seen-cannot-be-unseen atrocities. At first I looked at my screen in horror, then I laughed, then the realization that people actually have these things stuffed into their closets and under their beds OR JUST LAYING AROUND THEIR HOMES hit me and I felt terrified. And then I considered some of the creativity and hours of work that has actually gone into them. And I was simultaneously impressed and saddened.

I’m sorry to share this but if I have to have it burned into my memory, so should you: Cheers, Reddit: This Homemade Sex Doll Will Haunt Your Dreams.

Clitoring – Geddit?

You know those bauble rings that were popular for five minutes a few years back? Well it turns out everyone was masturbating with them! Okay, maybe not everyone, but these ladies certainly thought it provided a sexy opportunity, and made a jaunty little video showing how to DIY it. I like the clever use of Dancing With Myself as background music.

Totes gonna look twice at anyone I see wearing one of these in public from now on. Just saying, DIY Sex Toy – CLITORING.

Star Wars Nerds Will Cream…

Does the idea of dressing up as Princess Leia and Hans Solo (or Chewbacca, or another Princess Leia) with your significant other and succumbing to the erotic pleasure of a light saber dildo blow your mind?

It does?! Well then grab your boring old jelly dong, a toy laser sword and read on: Laser Sword Dildos.

One for Looners

Love balloons? Like, really love them? Then this simple and cheap DIY trick might be for you. If you’re happy to run the risk of having a balloon full of water burst all over you and your bed.

May also appeal to chicks with a clown fetish. Not so much to anyone with a phobia of either: The Balloon Rub.

Engineer Your Way to Ecstasy

This Funky Rocker is like the granddaddy of DIY sex contraptions. It’s definitely for seasoned DIYers, given that you’ll need to purchase some potentially complicated plans and actually build this baby using tools and proper components. Like, there are nuts and bolts and stuff, guys. Or you could enlist someone else to build it for you… got a birthday coming up?

If you rewound that scene in Burn After Reading to get a better look at Clooney’s dildo chair, check it out: Funky Rocker Design Plans.

If you are a fan of DIY, be sensible. Check out this list of household items NOT to use for sex play before you let your freaky imagination run wild.

 

Bright Desires

Sex Toys 101

Keeping Your Toys Clean

Last week we asked, what are your sex toys really made of, and talked about the different types of sex toys materials, and which are considered the safest, most hygienic and most durable. Choosing a sex toy that is made from quality materials – or always being sure to use a condom with your toys – is important. Equally important is taking proper care of your treasures, and cleaning them properly, to ensure they remain safe to use.

While some toys will need little more than a quick rinse with hot soapy water – and some can simply be dunked in boiling water to sterilize them completely – others require a little more care.

Now that you know what your toys are made from, here’s a quick guide to keeping them clean and in great condition.

Glass and Steel

Glass and steel toys are tough and durable, and are non-porous, meaning you don’t need to worry about bacterial nasties making their way into them. If you’re not sharing them with a partner, you can simply wash your glass and steel toys with soap and water or a toy cleaner. If you are sharing them, or you prefer to be thorough, you can sterilize them in boiling water. Just don’t touch them until they’ve cooled down.

Silicone

Silicone is also non-porous and long lasting, although it can tear if nicked and its texture can be affected by silicone lubricant. Only use water-based lubes with Silicone toys, and to clean your toy, you can sterilize it in boiling water or wash it with a toy cleaner.

CyberSkin and Elastomer

Unlike silicone, CyberSkin is porous, so it cannot be sterilized and it can be prone to small tears. Wash CyberSkin toys gently with mild soap or a toy cleaner after each use and dry thoroughly. Applying your toy’s provided renewal powder once dry will prevent discoloration and protect your toy when not in use. Elastomer toys are similar in that they are slightly porous and should be washed carefully with a mild soap or toy cleaner.

Silicone Blend and Jelly

Silicone blend and jelly toys can be porous and cannot be boiled. Wash these with mild soap or a toy cleaner after each use. Because they can contain phthalates, it is also a good idea to wash them before their first use, and always use a condom with them. Use water-based lubricants only to avoid the surface of your toy deteriorating or becoming damaged.

Handy Hint

Short on time? Glass, steel and silicon toys (without electrical components) can apparently be thrown into the dishwasher with your fine china for cleaning. None of my girlfriends have tried this, but more and more toy manufacturers are boasting it as a selling point. Can anyone vouch for this method? Would love to hear your thoughts!

Featured, Safer Sex, Sex Toys 101

What are Your Sex Toys Really Made Of?

What are some of the key things you consider when choosing a new sex toy? Color? Shape? Size? Price? Vibration settings? Kink factor? Potential for partner-play?

What about the materials? Do you ever check the labels or listed materials to see what your vibrator is actually made of? Here’s some food for thought…

Would you shove a bunch of toxins up your cooter? Nope.

Would you pleasure yourself with something spongy you thought could be harboring bacteria? Um, hells no.

Well, ladies, it’s time to get schooled, because not all sex toys are created equal – and some of them are made from materials that could be downright dangerous.

A Few Words on Phthalates

Before we get down to brass tacks, let’s take a moment to examine phthalates – the component causing most of the controversy around the safeness of sex toys.

Phthalates are “plasticizers” or softeners added to plastics to make sex toys materials more flexible, transparent and durable. Studies have shown that phthalates may pose potential health risks, and consequently, phthalates have been phased out of many products in the USA and UK, particularly in products such as food packaging and water bottles.

What is Your Sex Toy Really Made Of?

Glass

Glass toys are made from medical-grade tempered glass, are non-porous, hygienic, and can safely be used with any kind of lubricant. If the idea of having glass anywhere near your growler doesn’t appeal, relax. Borosilicate glass is essentially lead-free crystal, and is the kind of hard glass used in Pyrex products. In fact, an inch-thick piece of borosilicate glass will withstand around 30000lbs of pressure and extreme temperatures.

Steel

Steel sex toys are commonly made from chrome alloy and stainless steel, and will last forever when cared for properly. Steel is non-porous and hygienic, and can be used with any kind of lubricant.

Silicone

Sex toys made from 100% silicone are made from medical-grade and hypoallergenic materials that are non-porous, hygienic and long lasting. Silicone is soft and lifelike, but unlike other porous substances such as jelly, it can be sterilized in boiling water, or with a 10% bleach solution.

Remember, if you’re using lube with a silicone sex toy, do not use silicone-based lubricants, which can deteriorate the material.

CyberSkin

CyberSkin offers a realistic texture, and is phthalate and latex free. However, they are porous, meaning they need to be cleaned frequently, they cannot be sterilized, and they can be prone to small tears due to their soft texture. Also known as thermal plastic, it is more durable than latex, but can only be used with water-based lubes, since silicone, petroleum or oil-based lubes will break down the material.

Elastomer

Elastomer is a newer material, and is phthalate-free and safe for people with latex allergies. It is slightly porous, meaning it cannot be sterilized and needs to be cleaned properly between play times.

Silicon Blend

Silicon blend toys are more affordable than 100% silicone toys, but may also contain latex and phthalates. These toys can be porous, meaning they must be washed thoroughly after every use. They cannot be sterilized, so be sure to use a condom with them if sharing with a partner. Use water-based lubes only.

Jelly

Jelly is made of a mixture of PVC and rubber, and is one of the most popular and materials currently on the market thanks to its realistic and soft texture and affordability. The key issue with jelly is that is contains phthalates and is porous, meaning it cannot be sterilized and must be washed thoroughly between uses.

Many sexperts recommend using condoms with jelly toys to reduce the health risks associated with phthalates.

Always check the label and look for materials when purchasing a new sex toy to make an informed decision that’s right for your body. If in doubt about your current toys, use condoms, or throw them away and invest in some shiny new pleasure pieces.

 

Photo credit: © mariesacha – Fotolia.com

Product Reviews, Sex Toys 101

5 Weird Sex Toys That Made Me LOL This Week

So, let me pre-empt this post by saying first and foremost that I most definitely do not judge your sexual preferences or kinks or fetishes, or anyone else’s for that matter. We’re all wired differently, and we should all be free to get our kicks via any (legal, consenting) means that tickles our fancy, so to speak.

That being said, I’m a firm believer that it’s important to have a healthy sense of humour when it comes to sex. Because if you take that out of the equation, it’s all way too serious. Obviously, when you’re required to research sex and sexuality and sexcapades as often as I am (for writing and, you know… because you’re Googling something for a friend) you’re bound to come across some rip-snorters in the weird and wonderful world of www.

Inflatable Hot Seat

Now, I always wanted a Moonhopper as a kid, but I never owned one. I think by the time the next Christmas or birthday had rolled around the craze was over, but I always kind of lamented having not jumped on this toy bandwagon. Imagine my shock/ delight/ horror when I came across this Inflatable Hot Seat – complete with erect, “jelly multi-speed dong” for your pleasure. I have so many questions. I mean, it says it holds up to 300lbs… but does that take into account vigorous bouncing? And the clear potential for backyard races riding this thing? I’ll never be able to look at a Moonhopper the same way again…

Flexi Felix

Nothing against anal play, but I couldn’t get past this little dude’s appearance. It’s like he’s a cross between a very skinny caterpillar with a frog-face, and some extra-terrestrial come to probe us all. He’s too cute to put up your butt, right?

Exotic Butterfly Clitoral Pump

Remember when Austin Powers revealed his fondness for his penis pump, and we all laughed and laughed? Well, it turns out penis pumps and pussy pumps are still a thing. Which is cool, I get it, I can see the appeal. But what I do not understand is the totally unappealing, borderline scary shapes and features of some of these pumps, designed to ‘heighten arousal’ in our most intimate areas. Take this model for example. Are you supposed to comb your hair with it, or fuck it? Either way, it’s not getting anywhere near my knickers.

Honey Bunny Latex Hood

This latex bunny mask is completely different to the rabbit featured on Sex and the City, and a far cry from the bunnies of the Playboy Mansion. This is the stuff of my nightmares, thankyouverymuch.

Self-Powered Fucking Machine

You’re probably familiar with the concept of fucking machines. There are entire porn sites dedicated to them, and if you haven’t stumbled across those the concept is pretty self-explanatory. Essentially, people all over the world spend hours – months, even – constructing the most elaborate pieces of machinery for the sole purpose of sex play. This self-powered ‘fantasy glide’ machine is like that… except not. Actually, it’s probably best summed up as being built like a pogo stick, with a detachable dildo where the foot rest would usually be. I’m sure the creators would argue there’s a lot more to it, but I’m not seeing it. It looks like awkward hard work to me… with the potential for some serious injury should you miss a stroke.

What’s the weirdest sex toy you’ve seen, in the flesh or online? Share it here, or via Facebook or Twitter.